Everything has to be in sequence. It's the only way to win the game. Typical situations bring typical beginning, long stories, and endings. The only catch is to match up your strategy with your component. heh. Then everybody can win. One move can affect the rest of the game and one missed move creates less opportunities in the future for you. Digging out of the hole can either be easy or hard, depending on your calls.
Only time can tell.
I'd rather close up the box and forfeit all wins and loses.
you know that feeling right before you finish that milkshake, sweet tea, or even the last sips of your sweet but strong drink? the thought of "aww man that's it??" so good but so short. what do you do when you run out of your source of bliss?
yes it's been awhile since the last update. and all i can say is that my time of happiness... well... ran away. went into hiding and found a nice niche in the dark forest. kinda reminds me of harry potter. why would you so happen to find unicorns in the forbidden forest? you think they live in nice magical tree-lands with luxurious meadows, but no. even butterflies are rare in this land of extreme darkness. back to the point, that's what it feels like. unicorns running free in this dark forest of mine. they're definitely there. just... not... apparent.
i remembered this wonderful quote, but pardon me for stealing it and not giving you credit:
"happiness is like peeing on yourself. everyone can see it."
yeah well, what if you're wearing a dark yellow rain coat. YOU CAN'T SEE IT THEN HUH! even better, IT'S RAINING. WHAT NOW!
Well, now, no one can tell if you're happy, crying, or peeing on yourself. maybe now you should think twice about drinking all of that milkshake/sweet tea/alcoholic beverage.
So just shoot me. I'm naturally jealous of EVERYTHING. I've held it in for a long time and until recently, I'll just admit it. I'm jealous. I'm jealous of you. But don't think that's the end of it. Quite frankly, I don't think it's very funny nor "cute" nor "hot." If someone's better than me as a friend, as a student, as a worker, as an attention-getter, as a speaker, as a team player, I'll be jealous!
Okay I have issues. I can't always be the best at everything and I shouldn't. I grew up being compared against or with the people around me and the strangers in public. Why would it matter if some random girl on the street looks better than me? Because it so happened to matter to my parents when I was younger.
But I don't stop at jealousy. It then goes to hurt. Then when I'm hurt, I lack self-confidence. That's when I get nervous and insecure, which then puts me in the wrong state and I start to mess up everything I'm doing at that present moment (i.e. tests, work, speaking). Of course, that doesn't help the situation when I can see that other people know that I'm messing up. Then I get all quiet and I just want to go in the corner and cry. Then I just get all mad at that person. I start to hate. I start to get cranky and angry. My defense mechanism starts to kick in. I keep telling myself that "you're overreacting, Annie" but it only makes me more hurt to know that I'm making such a big deal out of something that's so small. I get really quiet because I start to talk down on myself. I'm lacking self-esteeem. I'm wondering what went wrong and how this happened. I'm wanting comfort but wanting alone time all at the same time. How am I supposed to react? How could something so small be such a big deal? How do you speak up when it's not in your place to say anything?
I'm supposed to be packing right now. And it's definitely not happening. Facebook, Myspace, Xanga, AIM, and even Gmail occupies my time and mind, and I much rather like it that way than some darn assignment or test. It's weird to hear that others have classes and tests to study for because, frankly, the world revolves around me. Ha. But now that a big chunk of my life has ended (i.e. school, campus involvement, part-time jobS (notice the 's')), my mind has wondered to dark areas that I have avoided and pushed away for many years.
Swiching from pre-med to business has, by far, been the best decision and most dramatic step I have ever made. Perhaps if I made the decision earlier I wouldn't have such a low GPA. Damn organic chemistry. Okay, I digressed. Back to the dark areas. My mom pretty much summed it up when she was bitching/lecturing at me on (out of all days) Mother's Day. Pulling up everything "negative" in your life is not the best conversation you want to have with your parents. (And she wonders why I don't like conversing with her.) From friends, family, racial idenities, college degree, and the "what ifs" in life, she pulled it all together in one bitch session and made me cry for about 4 hours. I got up and left without saying goodbye and now I'm back in the city that never receives signal from Cingular. (Damn Cingular.) So I haven't spoken to my parents since Sunday, which is at least somewhat normal considering that we only do a few phone calls here and there, most of which I miss or purposely not answer. Anyway, it's so inconvenient to have a nonworking phone/service... okay back to the dark areas.
... ahH where do I start??
Let's start with an explanation of the adolescent/growing-up stage. We are at a stage in which we depend on the attention of our peers and our surrounding environment. Without it, we'd be hermits, lifeless, and impersonal. We develop our personality through them. At early stages we converge, and acting and dressling like another is so f'ing cool. Then at later stages, when independency and indivuality sparks, we diverge onto our own road, taking in our past experiences and start listening to artists other than Britney Spears and Nsync. My mom doesn't understand that. She thinks I still listen to Britney Spears. She thinks I'll jump off the bridge if everybody else does. And she thinks peer pressure is the only reason why I would do something completely against her standards when in actuality, I LIVE against her standards. Everything about an Asian girl and everything about being cutesy and properness has never made it to my list. Granted I know how to introduce people, shake hands, and eat properly at the table, nevertheless, I'll be bold, honest, and even intimidating.
Yes, I have changed through college and yes, I have done things that were bold, but why and how could you not expect that from me when my personality and my life has not been established yet? You can't say that after living on the face of this planet for 23 years, my manners are predictable and my choices are expected. I am constantly changing regardless of the age. You have to expect that from me. So what if I change.... SO WHAT! Ah. I changed for the good of me and for those traditional people (i.e. my mom) can't seem to accept it or comprehend the importance of a change. Different stages and different people make life all worthwhile. I can't always have the same friends since 1st grade and I don't always want to hang out with the same people for the rest of my life. That's not me. I can't keep the same friends and I can't keep the same job. I can't even keep the same weight for x number of years. It's not a matter because I want or don't want, it's all a matter of CAN'T. It's out of my hands. Different circumstances call for different actions.
I guess I'm telling her to get over it... Wow, I have completely digressed. So what were those dark areas again?
|Maybe it's just me since I do look at the clock all the time, but the many times that I do look at the clock, I always see the numbers repeat. For example, I just looked at the clock earlier and it read 11:11pm. Earlier today, I looked and it said 2:22pm. Last night, I saw 1:11am. Sometimes I see 12:12. WHAT'S GOING ON! What does this mean?? |
Off topic, but GRADUATING MAY 5th, 6pm!! Come if you want to hear my name for 3 seconds.